This has been a draft for over 4 months… and to date, we have
- 4 rosettes – 2 saying we were first
- have been to 5 unaffiliated dressage competitions
- have competed my first (with Oscar) British Eventing 80 event, and survived
- have entered my second British Eventing 80 event…
But, this is what happened before I could let myself out of the yard…
Every so often, my vulnerability hits my corner of the internet and quite honestly, it’s freaking daunting.
I am the eldest of 4 girls, so I don’t do emotions, as eldest – that’s not my role. I am to hold the fort, not break the rules and most importantly, help others.
But I am offering you some exciting news, I have a break through.
I have been avoiding any type of emotion recently because I simply don’t know how to face it. This is a literal brain dump.
I have to be perfect, I have to be good enough and I have a massive complex if I am not.
My horse must be able to do Grand Prix dressage tests at home before I even think about hacking, and I must be able to do seventeen backflips before I will admit to anyone that I can kind of swim. It’s ridiculous, I know.
But it is a complex, I cannot leave the yard without being prefect, and both Oscar and I are bored because of this ridiculous idea.
Reasons behind the madness:
- I don’t want to waste the judges’ time by not being a pleasing test
- I don’t want to annoy anyone with taking too long at something
- I want to be able to feel confident with what I do, and this won’t be the case… until you guessed it… I am perfect…
- And I simply don’t want to spend the money if I won’t get a rosette in response.. WHATTT!! I hear you scream.
Well… I think I have cracked it.
The beauty is in the eye of the beholder – which my dad always said when I made a comment about a friend’s boyfriends, or a couple in the street…
And here we are… flying through the motions and not afraid to enter a competition! What a difference a change in the mindset can do.